Q. Why do some airlines have mistletoe over the luggage scale?
A. So you can kiss your luggage good bye.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the
cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared
for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer
who is still going around passing out business cards."

It was the time of the Soviet Union, communism and control were
natural aspects of the everyday life. One day, there was a
Tupolev 154 on short final to Oslo Airport. There is a big field
close to the runway, and the tower controller alerted the pilots:
"Check the farmers on the right side of the runway"
"They are all working" responded the soviet pilot with a clear
Russian accent.

After a hard landing, the Captain and first Officer were standing
in the doorway to apologize for the landing. When this old Lady
walked by, she said to the Captain: "Please tell me young man,
did you really land this airplane, or did we get shot down?"

 TOP 10 NEW SLOGANS FOR VALUEJET AIRLINES
==========================================
10. Safety inspections? We don't need no safety inspections.
 9. We cut back on maintenance and pass the savings on to you.
 8. The official airline of the Hemlock Society.
 7. Experience the Everglades up close.
 6. Our pilots are younger than our planes.
 5. Our fares are almost as low as our cruising altitude.
 4. Try us once...twice if you're lucky.
 3. The only airline recommended by Dr. Kavorkian.
 2. No frills doesn't have to mean no thrills.
 1. Smoking on all flights.

Q. What's the last thing that went through the mind
   of the ValuJet pilot?
A. The Beverage Cart!

My husband, an airline pilot, often has difficulty locating
items around the house. One day he asked me where the salt
was. Annoyed, I responded, "How on earth can you find
Detroit at night in a blizzard, but you can't find the salt
in your own kitchen?"
"Well, Darling," he replied, "they don't move Detroit."

A plane took off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York
to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and
relax - OH MY GOSH!!!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back
on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry
if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee
in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see
the BACK of MINE!"

On a flight from London to Vancouver a few years ago on a 747, I
overheard this conversation. A gentleman, obviously a first time
flyer, was nervously asking the grandmother beside him about the
length of the flight etc. After take-off he fell completely silent
and fixed his stare on the inboard engine, apparently waiting for
it to drop off. After about half an hour the grandmother tapped
him on the shoulder and said "son if you would like to go to the
washroom, I'll watch it for you".